For starters, Update to last week’s post. The very day I posted that, later that night, we took Lola-dog in to the vet, which led to her being put to sleep. Pervasive cancer. Poor girl, I’m glad now that I was sneaking her pain pills.

Spike-kitten and Lola-dog, about a year ago.

Well, the result of that day is that I did get the job. I started on Tuesday. I almost wish I hadn’t.

It’s boring. It’s mind-numbing. It’s frustrating. It’s…temporary? God, I hope so.

Shelving books. Discarding books. Shelving more books. Discarding more books. Working with people who have no respect for books whatsoever. They keep telling me that in a few weeks, I won’t care about the books either. I dearly hope not. If I ever get to the point where a book is as of little importance as an apple core or stale cracker, I don’t know if I’ll even be me anymore.

Disorganized, messy, crowded…the whole store is that way, and the book section is no exception. Sorting 3-4 carts of books right out on the floor, piles of books stacked on every available surface. And they don’t know what they have. Their logic for why they keep one book and discard another, it makes no sense at all to me. What makes one book “antique” and one book “old” is a mystery. And the woman who runs that department has been there for 8 years, so I don’t think anything will change.

I am telling myself now – it’s a temporary thing. It’s just until I can figure something else out. If nothing else, I’m going to try for a transfer to the newer store that’s close by – they haven’t even put their library up yet, so if I can get in to it early enough, maybe it won’t be so bad. I hope. Maybe I can go back to Borders and beg the manager to give me a chance – now that I have a job, maybe I’ll be more attractive

Anyway. It is a job, and that was desperately needed. I only wish I’d gotten a job where I could think and learn and do.

(is that hatey looking enough?)

Yesterday was a good day.  It was my roommate’s second day at his new job, I mowed the back lawn and planted some stuff in the front.  Great weather.  Went to the thrift store with the kid, got her a new scarf to go with her Queer Prom outfit.  Made pineapple fried rice for dinner.  All nice.

Then today, I got woken up early by a debt collector, then again by some random cell phone from Florida.  I didn’t answer either.  I don’t think I know anyone in Florida and I figure if it’s important, they can leave a message.

So.  Day already has a taint to it.  Then I sign into Facebook, and the first thing I see is that someone on my “friend” list has joined this group.  It is depressing.  That someone who I considered a friend could not just have opposing political views, but to actually think it’s ok, funny even, to wish someone dead.

I know I’m probably taking it too seriously, but it’s really just a symptom of the larger problem: Is it morally wrong to keep people as electric friends when you honestly have more to argue about than agree on?  Is it ok to keep them on your list for the sake of some game, when seeing them makes your soul go “ugh”?  These are people that I’ve worked with, in real life…but I guess that wishing people dead never came up at work.  Now things are going rough for them, and instead of sucking it up and moving on, they play Blame the Administration.  Or Blame Anyone But Myself.

I’m starting to think not.  I don’t think it’s worth it to have these amorphous balls of hate and closed-mindedness floating around my life.  How hippie-dippie is that, huh?  But today, it’s really bugging me.

So go ahead, call me a liberal softie.  Tell me that I’m taking it too personally, that I’m being overly-emotional about it.  But here’s the thing: emotions are supposedly one of the things that separates us from lower animals.  So is empathy.  So I’m ok with it.  I won’t be joining the other group that is trying to get the first group banned, I guess freedom of speech or whatever, but I don’t have to like it.  I have that freedom of choice (or whatever) and can remove hate-balls from my immediate vicinity.

Maybe I’m just feeling particularly crabby today, but I’m thinking this:

If it’s ok to tell people who *need* healthcare, but are unable to work that there are “no handouts”, why don’t we start culling the flock sooner?

Kid is born with birth defects, won’t be able to work? Eh. Get rid of ‘em. Same goes for old people, they’re not contributing anymore. Their time has passed. Move on.

Had a shit year and lost your benefits? Broke a leg? Better get those Popsicle sticks out and duct-tape ‘em on, we aren’t paying. Kid broke their leg? Shoot ‘em, just like a lame horse, because we won’t pay to get it fixed, and they won’t be able to walk again so…

I don’t think that ANYONE is saying, lets all stay home and let the rich people work for our benefits. I’m pretty damn sure that what we’re saying is, life has got to be more than “I got mine”. If it’s not, when what exactly is the point? If we can’t help the less fortunate…the people who are having a rough time, who don’t have the capacity (or just the sheer luck!) to have decent health care (or housing, or food) when we aren’t human anymore.

And more than that: If you are the one saying, “no handouts!” keep this in mind: It goes both ways. If something happens in your life that causes you to need help, don’t go looking for it. You can eat that foot you shoved in your mouth when you were being selfish, money-grubbing jerks.

I’ve been fighting the urge to quote NIN “Head Like a Hole” for weeks now. But I won’t, I already feel like I’m talking to myself here. The people who agree with me will still agree, the people who don’t…won’t. Nothing I say will change that. Including this.

I could attach a picture of my nephew, who probably had more surgeries in his first year than most of us will have in our lives. Show you this and say, he will likely take more out of the system than put in. What shall we do about it?

But that’s going for the sympathy vote.

Doesn’t matter. It’s easy to say, when you are already benefiting from the status quo, “Let’s not change it to benefit anyone else”. Because “humans” are selfish animals.

Remember when you were a kid, and your mom worked two jobs and was a drunk besides, so sometimes you were stuck at home with your older sister and younger brother eating #10 cans of beans and weenies for days on end, because there wasn’t anything else in the house to eat? Having cheap boxed mac&cheese made with water because you were out of butter and milk? Having a life sturgeon in the bathtub because they have to keep it alive until just before they fillet it (or whatever you call it when the fish weights as much as a small horse)?

Remember that? No? Yes?

Well, I just had it reminded to me, when I realized that I’ve spent more of my tax return stuffing the cupboards/freezer to the gills. As [god] as my witness, I will never go hungry again. And neither will anyone else in my house. I got 2 spare 50lb bags of chicken food, 2 spare 20lb bags of cat food. Enough school snacks to make sure my kid never has to skip a meal because she’s staying late for a play. Probably enough for the rest of the school year, in fact. Frozen veggies (those new steam-in-the-bag ones are really good, actually), divied up family sized packages of chicken, pork and beef. Ice cream, frozen lasagna, bread, cheese, crackers, cookies, bisquick, cereal, canned tomatoes and beans, canned and add-water soup bowls. Fish sticks, tater sticks, fig bars, Japanese rice crackers. Sushi rice, glutenous rice, brown jasmine rice, white rice. Yukon potatoes, red potatoes, russets. 8 bottles of that V8 juice that says it’s got 2 servings of fruits/veggies in them. Spare coffee, creamer, sugar. Even got sweetened condensed milk to go with the Trung Nguyen. Udon noodles, rice noodles, elbow noodles, egg noodles, penne and farfalle.

I bought a pantry cupboard thing, it’s 80″ x 36″ x 22″. It’s full. So is the upright freezer in the garage. And the fridge, and the kitchen cupboards.

We got home today with the latest haul and just stood staring, blank-eyed, trying to figure out where to put it.

But dammit, we will NOT go hungry, or live on #10 cans of anything. As [god] as my witness

I’ve had this feeling before. My nature generally makes me a giver – I like to feed people, do things for people, help people out. But there comes a time when there is nothing left to give. I am not Denny’s, there is no bottomless cup here. When nothing is put in, I have nothing to give out.

There are a lot of things that are contributing to this feeling, mostly household related and probably mostly things I could bring up and dispell – but I have this naïve idea that other people can just see when things are unbalanced.

Like…notice that you haven’t put any money into paying the bills in a couple months, and yet there are still lights and heat and water and cable. Like, notice that food magically appears on the stove but you only cook once a week or so. Like, although you eat, and don’t usually cook, the dishes magically get cleaned without your participation. Floors get mopped. Counters wiped down. Hell, dogs walked.

And I sit here feeling bad about it. Like I shouldn’t expect anything, because that’s what I’ve been made to fear: expecting things from people leads to disappointment and resentment. And to be honest, it’s taken months to get me to this point. But I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s not going to change on its own, and I’m going to have to take action. Which I hate, because then the resentment will be towards me, because I have it so much better. This means that my prescription is cheap enough to still take it, and I get more unemployment – even though that money has to spread out for myself and my kid. Being more down-and-out than anyone else is like a badge of honor. I hate it – he wallows in it. The worse things get, the worse he can feel, and the more justified in his constant negativity.

This did lead me to a thought, though. I think we should be able to get prescriptions for other people, if those other people are making use unhappy. It’s a sort of preventative medicine, see? Think it’ll fly?

So, I’m about empty. I had considered baking tonight, to have something fun to do. But the thought of having to share the product of my work once again, for less than no return, has pretty much talked me out of it.