I’ve been feeling like a real asshole lately.

It has to do with what I’ve done to my friends over the last 2 years or so.

Back then, in good ol’ summer of ’06, I had a pretty shitty time.  It started out all hopes and dreams, ended in nothings and nightmares.  Oooh how profound.

The result, however, has been that just about everyone who meant anything to me at that time has fallen away.  Not by their choice, but by my inability to connect with them anymore.  I’ve put some thought into this in the last couple of weeks – I think I have some theories.

The main problem: I put everything I had into a situation that did not work out, and it left me with almost nothing.  In fact, it took away something I didn’t even really have yet.   I got into the situation because of my close connection with certain people, people who I trusted and who trusted me.  It worked out badly for all of us, and I can’t blame anyone but myself.  I coulda shoulda, but I didn’t.  I could be bitter and say, Well, so could they have!  But in the end, they were not and are not responsible for my choices.  I let myself get sucked into an ideality rather than a reality.

So now, I seem to have decided that not getting close enough to another person’s gravitation pull is the safest way to be, and I started this with the people who were there for me most of all back when all of this shit was happening.  The people who deserved to be treated better, and be reassured that I’m not holding any grudge against them.  The people who were the most supportive and enthusiastic and helpful and who really wish the best for me.

There aren’t many left.  I still occasionally email with these people, but not anything real.  Arm’s-length is my motto.   Don’t want to get sucked in again.

I’m sorry to say, I don’t see it changing any time soon.  I’m trying to force myself to base my life in reality as it is, not as I want it to be.  The few times I’ve held out hope for something extra good, I’ve been reminded that it’s not in my cards right now, and I’m not willing to lose everything again, or put my kid through all that drama again.  I’ll sit here and not get involved, not get my hopes up too high.  I’ll take care of what’s happening now and make my goals definitely achievable.  Maybe in a few years, when the kid is out of the house and I’ve got more (theoretical) freedom, I’ll get some of that wishful thinking back.  But not right now.

I thought today that I’d introduce you to the household “pets”.  You know, the non-human animals that we feed.  I’m not sure what order to list them, without offending any of them or causing confusion, so I’m going to go in alphabetical order.

Lola
The roommate’s dog. Very sweet girl.  Likes: squeaky toys, cats.  Dislikes: strangers, being sat on by pugs.

Maumau Gimpy
I got him back in the olden days, before my big stupid  ”life change”.  He’s a little gimpy due to a back injury,  but it hasn’t really stopped him.  Likes: snuzzles, rolling in warm dirt.  Dislikes: loud noises, slick floors.

Minion de Sathanos, Roommate’s.
Smallish furball.  Missing a hind leg, which I believe she actually sacrificed to transform it into pure spite and malice.  She’s a little cranky.  Likes: being scratched behind the ear.  Dislikes: everything else.

Minkisaurus Rex
Got her as a kitten, she was dumped at an animal hospital.  Of the three, I picked the one with the brightest eyes.  Likes: Oscar & Lola, ice water.  Dislikes: most other cats, attention.

Oscar de la Hoya, Roommate’s.
RolyPoly pug.  Likes: butt scratches, sleeping.  Dislikes: perceived neglect, perceived starvation.

Toaster, my kid’s.
This boy came from under the house.  Not our house, but a house.  He was a little peaky at first, but quickly grew into a real…um, character.  Likes: everything, everyone.  Dislikes: not much.

Twinkletoes
This one came to me via a rep from a pet product supplier at work.  She lives in the boonies, where people often dump animals.  She caught the kittens and mother, we got this one.  She was the one with the characteristic Manx ear frills and twistiest tail.  Likes: tummy rubs, impeding typing.  Dislikes: Minion, typing.

I think that’s it. For now.

Under the heading of, “How many people live in poverty while we spent money to study this?”…

A new article today says that…hold on to your seats…teenagers are egocentric!  I KNOW!  OMG!  Who’da thunk it.  Why Teenagers Can’t See Your Point of View

Once again, I can’t believe that this wasn’t already pretty common knowledge.  First by real-life experience with (and as) teenagers; second by just knowing that as a rule, a person develops empathy over the course of his/her life.  Duh.

I think  we all can look back on our teenage years and see that we were pretty much concerned with ourselves, not so much with what others thought.  It took us years to realize that other people may actually have thought differently about a particular subject.  It’s why I use the standby, “because I’m the mom and I said so” when my kid asks me why she has to do something a particular way.  Because I’m the mom, and I can see things from a wider perspective than my teenaged kid, who mostly still thinks of her own.  It’s annoying that she does, but to be honest, I’ve just chalked it up to her being a teenager.  I can see the same thing in her friends, and I can remember (albeit vaguely) being that way myself.

So, in order to use our grown-up empathy and realize that the researchers will feel bad if we don’t seem amazed, I guess we can all fake it, right?  Pretend we had no idea that kids are in it for themselves.   Now we can wait for the next round of testing, where they will repeat the testing on males, and come up with the astounding information that men are behind in this particular category when compared to the previously female-only research subjects.

[for previous research-related articles, see here and here.]