I’ve had this feeling before. My nature generally makes me a giver – I like to feed people, do things for people, help people out. But there comes a time when there is nothing left to give. I am not Denny’s, there is no bottomless cup here. When nothing is put in, I have nothing to give out.
There are a lot of things that are contributing to this feeling, mostly household related and probably mostly things I could bring up and dispell – but I have this naïve idea that other people can just see when things are unbalanced.
Like…notice that you haven’t put any money into paying the bills in a couple months, and yet there are still lights and heat and water and cable. Like, notice that food magically appears on the stove but you only cook once a week or so. Like, although you eat, and don’t usually cook, the dishes magically get cleaned without your participation. Floors get mopped. Counters wiped down. Hell, dogs walked.
And I sit here feeling bad about it. Like I shouldn’t expect anything, because that’s what I’ve been made to fear: expecting things from people leads to disappointment and resentment. And to be honest, it’s taken months to get me to this point. But I think I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it’s not going to change on its own, and I’m going to have to take action. Which I hate, because then the resentment will be towards me, because I have it so much better. This means that my prescription is cheap enough to still take it, and I get more unemployment – even though that money has to spread out for myself and my kid. Being more down-and-out than anyone else is like a badge of honor. I hate it – he wallows in it. The worse things get, the worse he can feel, and the more justified in his constant negativity.
This did lead me to a thought, though. I think we should be able to get prescriptions for other people, if those other people are making use unhappy. It’s a sort of preventative medicine, see? Think it’ll fly?
So, I’m about empty. I had considered baking tonight, to have something fun to do. But the thought of having to share the product of my work once again, for less than no return, has pretty much talked me out of it.