Today was one of those, whatchacallit, “bittersweet” days. I finally found a job, and went with my daughter to fill out the paperwork for the background check and do the drug test. She’s my lucky charm, and it was easier than cutting her foot off for my keychain. It means she got up at 6:30am to go, no small feat for a teenager in the midst of summer vacation.
On the way there, the bus traveled through familiar territory. I am used to ignoring it, mostly, but it starts a chain of thoughts. As the bus pulled in to our stop, I said, this may look familiar to you. “Oh?” Yeah.
We walked to the drug testing place, and I pointed out what other building shared the walkway. Yeah, the midwife’s place. The one I went to when I lost the baby, 4 years ago. Anway, shake it off, go inside. Where the nice man asks me about the tattoos on my feet. The ones of my dead baby’s feetprints. Smile, explain it simply. Keep going. Walk out to the bus stop afterwards, try not to think too much about how many times I walked in circles around the block, trying to make labor progress so that I wouldn’t have to go to the hospital to deliver him. Distraction – visit the Asian market while we are waiting for the bus.
So the result of all of this, combined with the knowledge that my son, had he lived, would be turning 4 years old this month, really put me in a mood. Which led to having this song in my head all damn day. Blue for You , by Men At Work. A sample:
I must get out and about
Of that I have no doubt
There surely must be new places to go
Sights I’ve never seen
All with pastures green
‘Cos the old ones are making me blue for you
or how about this:
The sun it still shines in
And I shall close the blinds
‘Cos I know I won’t see you anymore